i don't understand why i always believe her... i don't want too.. i know she's soo full of bullshit and bitterness i know that i'm different and that everyword that comes from her mouth is dripping with distain and bitterness.. i know but i can't help but believe when she tells me i'm wrong, when she calls me a whore and tells me i'm not ready for the world. when she says that no1 else can help me, and that no1 else is willing that she's the only one who can teach me how to live, i believe her... she always reminds me of what happend the last time i tried to leave her, when i chose to go live with my dad, how things wound up... she called me a whore and said that no1 wud help me this time, that i was too big and that if i wound up somewhere i didn't want to be then that wud be my fault and there wudn't be any social worker to the rescue, i'd be left to die on the floor alone. sometimes i wish they'd never saved me, i should've died... i took so many pills and injected myself with every drug i cud find... there is no logical explanation as to why i'm alive i should be at least brain fucked or dead from the beating i got when my daddy came home to find all his precious merchandise gone... but nope... clean bill of health except for the genetic fuckups its not a blessing, its a curse, i shouldnt have to live with this regret, i try to forgive myself, i try to forget it all but i can't forget it if she keeps bringing it up... i miss my sister, and my brothers, i told them all in therapy that i wanted to forget it, that i wanted to pretend like it never happend, so we do. they actualy completely deny it all and just look at me like i'm their crazy little sister, like i'm just the random black sheep who does and says things that don't always make sence... i always stud up for them when my mom wud yell at them, i'd step in and take the blame, get her pissed off at me so she'd forget she was mad at them... uhh time to forgive again... i'ma take a shower, let it all float down the drain, make myself feel new again...